Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
