I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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