She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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