It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
