Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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