I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
