I accidentally burped into my bong.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My penis needs a shock collar
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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