Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
