He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
