tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
