Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
