I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
