The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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