cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
