she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
