We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
