The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
