Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
