do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
