I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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