I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
