i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
