I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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