Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
