i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
