Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
