so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he shaved USA in his pubs
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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