And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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