I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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