Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
