the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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