last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
