Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
