Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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