I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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