I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
