you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
