Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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