i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
