I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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