so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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