white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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