I faked an abortion last night.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
