i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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