My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
