When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
