that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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