Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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