omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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