shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
